You know when your world feels fully pinned? OK for those “non bike kook” readers, its when you are “all out” or “fully committed”. It usually happens after somrthing traumatic happens to me and I’m shaken to my core. I go into a hyper active state of “turn and burn”. Is this healthy? No. Is this who I am? Yes. Do I like it? Not so much.
This above photo just completely cracked me up when my buddy sent it to me. I was racing the Kamikaze Games, last Stage and I was crying on the inside. Like literally. I was pinned. All in just like I like it. I’ve realized I don’t need to do this off the bike….
Its taken a lot of deep reflectiom to understand why I do this. Here is my confession.
I am sensitive………………
Huh? Yeah I know it’s hard to fathom coming from someone who loves the F word more than chocolate. Yes, I prefer to be on the edge of my comfort zone on two wheels and in general. Faster is just always better.
This is how I function. I am in a heightened state of awesomeness. MY emotions and my heart are on my sleeve. If you are with me, I will slit throats for you. If you challenge my love and loyalty for you with a lack of loyalty……..my heart may be forever broken. And I may actually plan your disappearance lol.
Recently someone I considered family did something really shady to me. When it happened I cried for days. My husband looked at me with despair when he saw my face. As our parents age I’m sure he expected me to say someone was dead. Nope, no one was dead………..BUT THEY WERE DEAD TO ME. SO the pain was equivalent.
I constantly coach my agents and friends to not carry others bullshit. However recently when the tables were turned I was a failure at my own advise. I was the coach who became the student. The teacher became the pupil and I got a big fat F! Oops.
I just couldn’t understand why someone would purposely be such a dumb ass. What could they possibly be thinking? I kept trying to remind myself that this was their burden to carry, not mine. However I just couldn’t shake it.
Please dark passenger go away!!! Even though well behaved women rarely make history, murder isn’t really an option.
To be perfectly honest I still havent fully recovered. It will take time, In the meantime I try to eat healthy, stay present and ride when I can. Of course the person who put hurt in my life is likely clueless. That’s another life lesson. Narcissism is an actual disease. I can’t fix people. I can only alter my reaction to it. The experience left me lack luster, and exhausted. Then it lit a fire……………….
I’m in training! I’m learning to be stronger and more resilient with this dark passenger. So How rad would it be to dedicate some big mountain Enduro races this year to all the ass hats on the planet. I could call it the douche tour….the final cleanse 😂. A little vinegar with that?
Focusing on my super rad kids helps keep things in perspective. Being the #dudemom is always #1. There is no lesson plan so I just rock it the best I can. Gauging their radness I think I’m nailing it.
Ok all kidding aside I’m doing better. I’m in my happy place living in Big Bear and just kicking ass. I do look forward to my adult life. At 41 I just keep learning , turning and burning and yearning for my next big race.
I’ve stopped racing “everything” and now just want to tackle the big ones. If I don’t think I’ll cry during at least one stage it’s probably not the race for me.
In the meantime it’s back to #dudeMom Training and sloughing off the Turds. Cheers peeps. It’s true there are more assholes in the world than awesome people, so choose your friends and business associates carefully. I finally have and I can tell you what a huge comfort it is only surrounding myself with the most awesome of the awesome. Boom….
Now go ride something…..and maybe pack some vinegar.