Harmony…and my huge WTF Bike-Life Shift from personal suicide

holly race photo fontana 2

I had a huge meltdown about a year and a half ago,  I was tired of real estate and the lack of passion I had for it.  I had always loved it but after 10 years of getting my ass kicked by the market, mean clients and unprofessional agents topped with uncontrollable shifts in the market I was just at a complete professional and personal mid life crisis.

My phone would ring and I would flinch. I would make excuses in my head as to why I couldn’t pick it up like, I was driving, I was tired, it was past 8 pm, I was with the kids, too buzzed, too sober,  or I just didn’t feel like LOL.  I’m just being honest. I know its not popular to be honest but maybe my emotional self driven terrorism will help one of you.

Look,  I’ve been to all the Real Estate motivational mind set conventions. Ive walked on hot coals with Tony Robins in New York, Jumped up in down in stadiums filled with 1000 other agents screaming “IM the SHIT”, collected shiny top producer awards, and even made a shit ton of money. I wasn’t happy. I was fat, sick, passionless and burned out.

I remember at one point I picked up a few $10,000 pay checks in one day and I was like “yay,  fuck it who cares…………..blah blah blah,  I need a nap”. Seriously I was in in the top 1% yet another year,  and I could’ve cared less.  I was over the snot faced young agents who were complete train wrecks to work with, the ego’s of the millennials entering the market and the older agents……don’t even get me started.  If they couldn’t text I wanted to kill them.  My patience was gone, my passion deleted. Not sure when it happened but it happened.  I was a dark hole of anxiety and wine.

Here’s the problem.  I am the sole provider for my family. SO instead of failing I just worked on killing myself one day at a time….slowly.  KIND OF LIKE SUICIDE. What choice did I have?   I’m a terrible stay at home mom. Like seriously let’s not pretend.  I cant do home life. It’s cool thats what nanny’s and daddy’s are for. Don’t mm shame me. I have other rad things I pull off like breast feeding them until they are 10 and natural child birth LOL.

On any given day (even an exciting day)  I space out hard enough to launch a cosmic war.  I need action,  I can stare out a window hard enough to snap the glass.  I’m a free thinking ADHD hot mess on a GOOD day! I tired staying home with the kids once for a year and I pretty much drank 7 Eleven out of their red bull and cheap wine. It wasn’t pretty. I mean it wasn’t even cute.  It was the worse year of my life,  Major kudos to the ladies who can pull it off. You are brave.

SO why pretend?  I am a career girl and thats ok.  I won’t defend that. I’m 40 and its likely I wont be changing any time soon. Hey,  even in the dark ages there were women weird enough to fight next to the men. I was and am a warrior on the work front. And a warrior must go to battle. Or a warrior dies.  I was almost dead.  I must seek and destroy and hunt and kill…….or “poof” I’m dead,

Well,  how the hell did this happen? I was going to the office, going through the motions, heck I even had partnered with an amazing new company. I was on my way to ownership, partnership and mother-shipness. I had reached the massive rad-ness with another baby hanging off my boob (The 2nd in a couple of years) while I negotiated million dollar deals. At first glance one would think I was AT battle.  Nope I’ll tell you right now I was bored to death. Blah blah blah nurse the baby, kiss the toddler, sell something, negotiate, nap, drink wine, nap, eat, nurse, answer phone, coffee, sleep and repeat.

Sure I had it all! Why didn’t it feel like it? I was so sick I just couldn’t even tell anymore. I thought it was normal to feel like a wet dead rat, spun out all day,  every day,  day in and day out. Someone hand me a towel please. Help,,,,will someone please save me from my boring hell ?

To top it off my joints were all swollen as my Rheumatoid was off the chain.  I had been diagnosed with lupus. A rheumatologist had told me that my kidneys were on the verge of a meltdown.  They pretty much felt like someone had punched me in them for months. One leg was perpetually swollen and had been that way for years. It was so swollen my ankle was discolored and visually looked broken. I limped on it all the time. Oh and the anxiety……lol that was out of this world.  I would randomly have heart palpation’s that made me sweat, my eye would twitch for hours, and I was crapping blood. But who cared……I HAD IT ALL.  I was #1.

Yeah I had it all,  all right!! SO I decided I would go check out this new Dr I had hard of.  He had a PHD in nutrition and was an acupuncturist. Checking out his website I could see he was a Primary Care physician who focused on a holistic approach.  I waddled into his office ready to hear the same bullshit, “you need anxiety meds”, “you need to, you need to you need to you need to take this pill and this pill and this pill and this one”.

So I sat there ready for the confusion to hit in his face. Never happened,  He said “I can fix you as long as you are ready to fix you”  HUH?  Then He did have me crying to the point that snot was coming out of my nose. This was  in the first 30 minutes.  I think mostly because  felt the emotion of hope.    I  was really sick inside and out and he wasn’t going to take any of my bullshit excuses.

I left with a clear set of plans.  I was on a complete reset diet. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no wine (gasp) no no no no no.( I had already been gluten free and dairy free but it wasn’t enough)  Ugh. But I was ready to find myself again. I had always been a pretty rad chick. My rad-ness had turned to sadness and Holly had left the building. Bye Felecia, she had checked out without bags.   I needed to at least make the commitment to hunt that bitch down! Commitment made.

I left with a bag of supplements and a crazy itinerary. One of the main things I had realized with the help of Dr Cassone’s prodding was that I was very lost. The essence of who I was had shifted.  Here I was with 4 children, a sexy husband,  a thriving business and not a single inch of happiness in my heart. I kept telling him every time I tried to be me I would end up in bed for a week.

So who was I?  Well I had always been an athlete!!! As my body grew sicker I grew more frustrated. I would try to ride my bike and I would end up flaring up my lupus then my Rheumatoid would follow,  I would land in bed more bitter than the last time so eventually I gave up. I would watch my hubby leave to ride and I would almost cry. I would go to races and watch the joy in his eyes. He would try to motivate me to try and I would end up in tears.

I was living my worst nightmare,  I was literally stuck in my body and I couldn’t get out. I was in a jail cell of illness.  Sure cancer got this mayhem started in 2001/2002 but how had it gotten so out of control? IN cancers place more illness had settled in my once powerful body.

I would cry to my husband and we just couldn’t find our way through it. It wasn’t for a lack of trying. I did need a Dr’s support. I just hadn’t found the right Dr. until now.  SO much time had been wasted. I couldn’t just push through the kind of sick I was. I was quite literally on my way to my death bed. And I didn’t know how to stop the train wreck. At ht beginning of my treatment Dr Cassone quite literally said “Wow, congrats you are on your way to a nice strong terminal illness”.  EEK!

So when the Dr prescribed (on top of all the supplements, diet changes , spiritual work and acupuncture) that I go and pedal my bike for 20-30 minutes I cringed. Crap…..DOES HE NOT HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. I AM TOO DAMN TIRED TO EVEN GET OUT OF BED LET ALONE GO RIDE MY BIKE. DIDN’T HE HEAR WHAT I TOLD HIM? WHAT AN IDIOT. I HATE DR’S. GREAT HERE I GO WOTH ANOTHER NUT JOB. I need a glass of wine and a nap!

However something in my heart knew he was right. Some people need to be outside. I am one of these people.  Everyone had their happy place. Mine had always clearly been outside. BY 16 I was hitchhiking all over the country in the search of the perfect rock climbing route. At 39 my soul and who I was hadn’t changed.  I just couldn’t figure out how to find harmony within it all.

Fast foward to last week.  In a late night group text between my two partners and one of our aspiring young top guns we got in this healthy debate over the word “balance” and the word “HARMONY”. My partner Sarah said these fine words,,,,,

She said “If you are always searching for balance which insinuates equal amounts on both parts of the scale you will never ever be happy and always be in competition with your own needs and wants”. She said quite literally EFFF balance, harmony is where its at.

Thats when collectively as a leadership group all of “our” happiness struck us (within our office we have a very unusual and profound leadership team) ……THIS IS WHY WE ARE ALL SO GROSSLY HAPPY LOL  (we then laughed at the thought that my bike was literally parked in my cubicle)  Our young top gun said to me “You are unapologetically living a life of Harmony” Wow I made it!!!!

Just that day I had seen Dr Cassone for my weekly appointment . He saw a  horrendous new crash injury on my leg. I had gotten body slammed hauling ass into a berm and crashed knocking the wind out of myself and doing a death crawl to safety. It was a bruise about a foot and a half in length and very deep. I was quite proud as he said, “Holy shit, WTF WTF F8uuuuuuck”  We both giggled with delight. A year and a half later He loves to poke my injuries with crazy concoctions, needles and cupping techniques.  Almost like a proud papa.  And I love showing him my Life of Harmony SCARS! I exclaimed to him when he asked me how I was this week, I said “I’m so Fucking Happy” (insert evil laugh here)  Rad injury pictured below with my fav socks…..

blog one bruise

He paced around the exam table a couple times and then he very thoughtfully looked at me and said these fine words ….”There’s always a REASON to be unhappy which means being happy requires an UNREASONABLE life.” WOWWWWWWW!!!!! We both kinda had that look on our face like “HOLD THAT THOUGHT!!!!!”  I was living an unreasonable life. Score…..people she is now fully #1 !!!!!  Top 1% that shit!!! 😉

So going back 18 months this is where the shift happened.  I started with tiny rides. I was 80 pounds over weight. Yep you heard that. 80 pounds. I was still nursing a baby. Sick , tired and uninspired.  But I stuck to the plan.  The focus of my job was to get fresh air every day. Little by little I felt the passion coming back. Then I noticed my body was feeling stronger. The combo of the spiritual work, the faith, the nutritional support (this was huge), acupuncture and the commitment were working. Every week I got more of my friend Holly back.  I love that chick. My rad meter was starting to tip harder towards RAD again.

I had quite a few happy cries on the bike those first 6 months.  The kind that people usually have when a baby is born,  I was being completely reborn. Harmony was returning to my life.  This is when the miracles started happening.  I was so inspired by what the mountain bike was doing in my life it hit me one day to just do that. I would shift gears quite literally and focus not just on the mountain bike in play but would build my business and personal life around it as well.

I was driven to give back to the bike that had given me my life back. I knew the best way to give back was to take the some of what I had earned and put it back in to the community. I would start a scholarship program and raise money to advocate for the local trails I had cried on. Every Trail Leads to Home was born with the help of some really amazing friends.


I reached out to a few of the most connected Mountain Bike leaders in So Cal.  Race directors, HIgh School league directors, and IMBA chapter presidents and some epic past a present Pro’s. . Next thing I knew I was a board member of the Inland Valley Mountain Bike Association (a IMBA chapter) and volunteering more time and passion into the community,

This is where the synergy really started, Next thing I knew I was mostly only doing business within this community (we always had done a lot but now it was 75% of our business). I was volunteering my time, making some super close friendships (finally!!!!) of like minded people also full of Harmony.  I was connecting better with my husband, my body and my children. My health soared and so did my passion for real estate again. I was being fed. My love bucket was full. So I had love and life to give out to others again.

Now a year and half later I have been voted in as the Inland Valley Mountain Bike Association President,  My heart is so full of gratitude some days I cant stop giggling,  I am winning podium spots in Enduro and XC Mountain bike races, MY marriage is stronger, my family is happier and I am back to my old self. My business is thriving, our brokerage is exploding and I am completely full filled.   I hope someone who finds themselves in a similar life place reads this and seeks to find their Harmony. It may not look like mine but its out there for all of us. Go get it “unapologetically”.  Like my friend Jason said to me right before a race this month “Grip it and Rip it, Holly”

holly race photo fontana 1

3 thoughts on “Harmony…and my huge WTF Bike-Life Shift from personal suicide

  1. There’s always a REASON to be unhappy which means being happy requires an UNREASONABLE life

    Whoa. Reason apparently sucks!

    The paragraph about you being reborn is illuminating. You’re a kickass writer all around. Have a feeling I’ll see all of these bound and on the shelf in a bookstore one day ;).


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